Tuesday, August 04, 2009 ♥
Trying to push away the truth to a corner ♥ 9:36 PM
With the purpose of seeing the doctor this morning for my foot before going to work, I woke up at an insane time of 7.30am. For the record, I don't normally wake up at such an unearthly hour primarily for the very reason that I am never a morning person.
It was a surprise then to receive a call from overseas. I know it's overseas because my caller id shows 'Unknown' and I knew that it is either my parents or Ah Ling. The only people who will actually call my phone. Well, for the most of the time anyway. Nice to hear from Ah Ling but at such a early time and her tone, I knew something was wrong even though I don't really want to know. Some times I wish I hadn't woke up so early and then I wouldn't have answered that call. But then again, I suppose she will call till I pick up anyway.
At first, I thought it was boys problem until she asked whether my parents told me the news or not. I could roughly guess what she was going to tell me next although deep in my heart, I refused to believe until she tells me. Ok, she told me. What next? In my daze, I called my parents to see that they are alright. To me, it was too early, the news hasn't really sunk in yet. Besides, today is a freaking busy day for me. I guess in the way, it is good. I won't have time to stop and think. Not that I want to anyway. People called out of concern and I nonchalantly said I am fine which technically I was and I was saying it so that I can get off the phone and not think about it anyway.
The whole day passed by with my foot feeling sore, heaps of work done, meeting the weirdest people, got back my beloved violin, cooked a pretty awesome dinner( first try at making laksa), showered and about to get started on preparing for my bible study.
Finally, I had time to sit down or rather stand under the shower. I don't know. It was a sudden realization that she is gone. I will never see her ever again. This morning, it was merely like a piece of news that I set aside because I had too much things to do. Almost like it wasn't of importance to me. Perhaps shock does helps cushion the blow. Or maybe, it was so early in the morning, I thought I am still dreaming a bad dream.
Sure, I had mentally prepared myself that I probably will never see her again when I next go back. My mom told me she is deteriorating. But I guess I was not prepared enough. Today wasn't that hard to pretend everything was good with the worst thing happening to me at the moment was I had to limp around. Every time that thought comes to my mind, I just push it away. Tomorrow? I am not sure that I can hold my composure. But I believe I am strong. I can do it. After all life have to go on. In fact, I should be happy that she isn't suffering anymore. Life must suck lying in bed 24/7. She's gone to a place where she can walk and laugh and eat whatever she wants(I know in heaven we don't need to eat and sleep but I guess if she really wants to she can).
Just merely one and a half years ago, she was there smiling with me. And always asking about me. To her, I'm a granddaughter going overseas to study and occasionally calling back to say hi. Because we have a language barrier, her form of showing concern to me was giving me fruits and veggies I love and asking whether I had eaten.
I have no regrets not spending time with her because I did my best. I spent most of my summer with her anyway. Singing hymns and praying with her and talking to her and massaging her in hopes that she feels better.
I can't help but still cry. Yes, it's ok to cry I know. I'm gonna cry so hard that the tears will wash away the sadness and in some way find comfort that she is happy up there. So that tomorrow, I can wake up and go on with life. In my heart I want to remember grandma as a smiley happy person but knowing that grandma will never get well and laugh her hearty laugh and rescue me from those weird insects and will never come back makes me miss her already.
♥ Princess Serene