Friday, October 17, 2008 ♥
Getting better ♥ 9:28 PM
Feeling down for about a week feels weird and I thought I nearly forgot to smile. I am not talking about the the physical movement of the lips and the cheeks but the genuine kind where your eyes light up and sparkle.
I had been just moping around and feel like a walking dead, devoid of feelings. Every time I laugh, I cringe because the laugh is not of pure happiness but felt harsh on my ears. I hate myself for being such a hypocrite but then I wanted everybody to be happy although I am not. It scares me so much because I couldn't seem to recognize the person I had become.
I suppose I deserve an Oscar for all those acting. But I finally fess up to my problems and people who cared helped me and push me on even when I don't want to. I suppose I thought I deserved a break and it is somebody else's job to cheer me up instead. I know it is wrong but some times I think I do need a break too.
People tell me I am lucky and deep inside me, I know that I have less minor problems compared to others yet to me, my problems felt like a great burden.
A told me with a serious look 'Maybe God wants you to trust Him more', that phrase set me thinking. I don't know why. But while I was driving home, I was thinking that maybe you are right and I just don't want to admit it.
It was only until I made a visit to the hospital to visit one of the church members that I literally woke up. When I saw her, I teared up and felt deeply ashamed of myself.
What you told me is true. Perhaps, I don't treasure my blessings enough. Having a complete family is already a great blessing. Plus, my parents could afford to send me overseas to further my studies. And I know they love me very much. That is enough.
I am still trying... to get back on track. Nobody says it is easy but I can't give up. At least not yet. I'll continue to trust in Him for He knows what is best for me.
But yes, Princess is back:)
♥ Princess Serene