Saturday, March 17, 2007 ♥
Miss insignificant ♥ 11:55 PM
Every week, i so look forward to going church. Yet, when i come home, i end up not more happy but sad and empty. I feel so alone like people my age in church is always talking about manga and more manga. It's peer pressure to read all these manga yet, i never felt the pressure. Perhaps, Timothy is right. I'm stubborn and if i don't like it, then i wouldn't do it.
Even outside, i feel that whatever nice things people say, they just say it to make me feel good and not meant it at all. If only i'm more significant in others' life, allowed to do more work, have others hear what i have to say, then perhaps, i wouldn't be feeling this alone and tired. Recently, i haven't been laughing a lot. I need my Royal jester but he is not here. Somebody want to fill his position? I think Max can do a good job but i doubt he will even be reading this.
You know, this spiritual journey is getting harder and harder, nobody seems to be determined to pursue this spiritual road with me and it gets so lonely sometimes. I hate being hyocritical when i say i'm fine but then, isn't that what you want to hear so that you can move on with your life?
I was that close to make a decision not to go church next week but then, i thought about it and questioned myself. Note to self: Even if i'm lonely, i go to church to serve God and not people. My burden may seem so heavy yet, i believe that my Father in heaven, He watches and will carry me through. I'm grateful for sisters who understand what i'm going through maybe, because that is what they went through in certain parts of their life. I thank them for letting me know that in their eyes, i'm still a bringer of joy and that i'm not that useless as i thought i was. I guess i'm pretty whiny and such a liability to all my friends but then, i seriously love you guys. At least i know i still got true friends.
All i need now is a good cry but my eyes are dry.
♥ Princess Serene