When i go to Adam church, i don't seem to feel like i had returned home. The feeling is different from that of Semb church. Perhaps, due to the large number of people, it doesn't seem like a big family anymore. I feel so alienated like somebody who disappeared for a couple of months and coming back only to find things all so different now. I'm not complaining that the members are unfriendly or whatsoever because there are people who do come up to you and start chatting(although it is almost the same topic) but sometimes both of us ended feeling so awkward that i rather not have that conversation at all. So, i decided to sneak into the church hall and pretend study my notes in order not to look like a loser. Maybe, i lost my gift of the gab in Perth but then again, i never felt exactly comfortable during spiritual meetings. People will be around me chatting and catching up while i would be sadly alone. Well, occasionally some aunties will come up to me and say that i got taller or fatter or skinner that i no longer believe in what they say. Still, it wouldn't be long before somebody else come up to them and i would sigh in relief that somebody else deliver me from yet another bout of awkwardness.

I got my friends of around my age but somehow they form cliques which i extremely detest because that prevent me from mixing around a larger group of people. After some time in Perth, i wonder whether we are really friends or we coincidentally are in the same church and therefore end up as friends. I couldn't understand how my so called 'gentile' friends could often ask me on MSN about how my life is going in Perth while i hear almost none from my own brothers and sisters. Of course there are some who do bother but then i couldn't help but wonder about those whom i see every week. I know that everybody is busy but if i'm really your dear sister, wouldn't you be concerned about whether i'm still alive in Perth? I feel that the 'i will miss you' and 'take care my dear friend' seem so hypocritical after some time.

Ok, i digress. When i look back, i think that if not for church, i wouldn't have kept contact with many of the people i know. Sure, there are of course that small circle of friends that i have but then until now, even me being in church for as long as i remember, i couldn't exactly find a sister who i can fully confide in. 19 freaking years and i couldn't find a sister to confide in. I must be pathetic yeah?

Sometimes, i know that i'm in the True church but then i wonder why i would feel so distanced, like a solitary soul. Ain't we supposed to be a family where love grows? Although i constantly remind myself that i'm in church to worship the Lord, who doesn't want to feel comfortable and at home?

Maybe i should stop whining given that God had blessed my family immersely. I think i should start counting my blessings again lest i forget.



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